April 14, 2005

"She heads for the door and Adam hurries to open it for her. They stand there with the box between them, fighting the impulse, the reflex, to kiss, and suffering that horrendous feeling when you know you'll never kiss that person again. Even if it turns out not to be true, ultimately -- it feels all too true in that moment, and it feels like hell." From Television Without Pity's recap of Joan of Arcadia, Season 2, Episode 20, "Spring Cleaning."

When I got to that part of the recap I totally got moody, identifying immediately with what the recapper was saying about that kind of moment. It reminded me of moments I had with Jeb during our separation. I'd see him at our house one day when I would come over to pick something up (I'd always find reasons to come over while he was there). And I'd be leaving and I'd want to kiss him good-bye or hug him or something, but it was forbidden, because we were "separated." So I'd stand there longingly, having known him so intimately before, yet standing before him like a stranger. It was hell, just like the recapper described. It made my soul feel so empty and dead inside, like I'd lost a piece of myself that I would never get back.

And yet, somehow I did. I had six long months of hell during that separation, nights when I'd cry myself to sleep in the dark, days when I'd drive home from working bawling, shouting out to God, "Why?!" But something happened. Things changed. And the paths that we were taking veered together again and became one journey that we're finally sharing once more.

I could never be more thankful.

that was then - this is now