October 26, 2004

Strange dream last night. Travelling again, on a bus, felt like it was a daily commute kind of trip. The guy in front of me goes berzerk and pulls a gun, and since I'm the closest passenger to him, he aims it at me, putting it right up against my neck. I start thinking to myself, "Mom, I love you, Jeb, I love you, Dad, I love you" and all those other last minute I'm-about-to-die thoughts one might have in a moment like this. It was very real. I could feel the hard metal on my skin and the tears in my eyes that I tried to contain to show my bravery, when really I was scared to death. He told me to beg for my life, to beg him to "please" save me. I wouldn't do it. I refused to. I felt that I didn't have to plead for my life, that's not what life is about. I shouldn't have to beg to live. It's a privilege given to me at birth by God, and only God can take it away so only God deserves a plead, not this thug. For some reason the thug decides not to shoot me and the dream skips along with some other weird crap. Later on the same guy is threatening to shoot me again, only this time it's verbal and he doesn't have the gun actually on me. So I tell him that if he is going to shoot me he better just do it because I'm sick of him talking about it, and I'm pissed off. And I tell him that if he's planning on doing anything else to me first, like rape me or beat me up or something, he better get that out of his head because I'm not going to stand for it. (Huh? Like, okay, you can kill me but you can't do anything else to me but that. What kind of logic is that? And if I'm going to be so bold as to tell this guy "Hey, fuck you, you're not messing with me other than killing me" then why couldn't I just say, "Hey, fuck you, you're not messing with me at all. Period.") The dream somehow turns into this monster thing where the thug is now some monster, grotesque and freaky and killing people. I find myself in a church and the preist/pastor/reverend/father guy is telling me and the other people to get out. Then at some point the dream turns around to reveal I am the monster. Say what? Strange. I'm telling you, very strange.

I woke up with night sweats, not surprisingly.

that was then - this is now