May 5, 2004

I hate this shit.

This constant struggle to... to what, survive? To exist? To make my way through life's changes? I don't even know what it IS, but whatever it is, I hate it.

It's like a constant contradiction. Let go. Hold on. Be happy. But I'm sad. Go to sleep. Wake up. Move on. I can't.

It's like someone's playing tug-o-war with the rope over a big mud puddle and that little flag tied to the middle of the rope keeps swaying, back and forth, from one side to the other, but nobody is really winning. Just when the flag moves to the right, a mighty jerk pulls it back toward the left before another tug brings it to the right again. I'm that little orange flag, hanging over the mud puddle. Yanked both ways but never reaching an end.

And I hate it.

that was then - this is now